Yesterday, I heard a song.
Je déteste ma vie – Pierre Lapointe
Just the title alone…
I hate my life.
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And I have to be honest.
That’s how it has been feeling lately.
Not every second. Not in a dramatic way.
But simply… the reality of what I’m going through.
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Surviving.
Nothing more.
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And in that song, there is also a line.
“Ma place est dans tes bras.”
My place is in your arms.
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And that line… it broke me.
Because that’s all I still want.
Not the arguments. Not the past. Not who is right.
Just… that.
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From the outside, it seems simple.
“Let go.”
“This isn’t healthy.”
“Find someone else.”
And they are right. Truly.
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But what people don’t see…
is why this goes so deep.
Some people took distance. Some didn’t understand.
Why I went back. Why I stayed.
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And I understand.
For someone with a “normal” life path,
this is hard to comprehend.
But my life has never been normal.
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45 years…
walls,
blockages,
survival.
Not feeling. Not showing. Just moving forward.
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Until you suddenly meet someone…
who breaks through all of that.
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With him… that happened.
He did something no one had ever done before.
He didn’t tear down my walls.
They simply… disappeared.
Without pressure. Without struggle.
Just by being there.
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And it went even deeper than that.
We understood each other.
Not only through words,
but often without words.
A look. A feeling. A presence.
And it was mutual.
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It’s something you can’t explain.
But you can feel it.
For the first time in my life…
I felt not only seen,
but understood in a way I had never experienced before.
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And that… changes everything.
This is not an ordinary connection.
It’s something you never truly let go of.
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With her… it was different.
There was history. Intensity. Life.
I could lie with her. I could hold her.
But there was always something underneath.
Distrust. Tension. Memories.
What happened. What it cost me.
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And somewhere along the way…
I started losing myself.
Little by little.
My peace.
My direction.
My stability.
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Until a point
where sometimes I didn’t even know
where I stood anymore.
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I know what it cost me.
My family. My work. My company. My home.
My peace. My stability.
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One by one…
lost.
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Not in a single moment.
But slowly.
Little by little.
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Until a point
where I no longer knew
what was left.
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And that is also why
today I keep my distance.
Not because there are no feelings.
But because I know what it does to me.
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Because yes… there was also that longing.
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Not for one specific person.
But for that feeling.
Affection.
Closeness.
Someone’s arms around me.
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Something that is normal for many.
But for me… something I only truly felt later in life.
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And maybe that’s what makes it so difficult.
To feel something
you’ve missed your whole life…
and then lose it again.
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And what made it even heavier…
was that those two worlds kept crossing.
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She still had contact with him.
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So every time I was with her…
I was pulled back to him.
To what I felt there.
To what was pure.
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And that made it impossible to let go.
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How do you let go of someone…
when they’re never truly gone?
How do you move on…
when what you feel still exists somewhere?
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And at the same time…
something else is happening.
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These past years were not ordinary relationships.
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They were breaks.
Losses.
And above all… betrayal.
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And that leaves marks.
Distrust finds its way everywhere.
In people. In intentions. In connection.
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So yes… the solution seems simple.
Move on. Open up. Meet someone new.
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But how do you do that…
when everything inside you says: “no”?
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I feel that too.
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I withdraw.
I isolate myself.
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Not because I want to.
But because it happens.
Because everything that has happened… pushes me there.
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And that makes it even harder.
Because I know what I should do.
But knowing
and being able…
are two different things.
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People sometimes ask:
“How are you?”
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I survive.
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That’s the only honest answer.
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Day by day.
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And in that emptiness…
that one feeling keeps coming back.
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That longing.
That emptiness.
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Not for one person.
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But for that feeling
that I have only ever felt so deeply
with two people in my life.
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And that I have now…
lost again.
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So yes… I’m stuck.
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Between knowing
and feeling.
Between letting go
and still longing.
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I’m not writing this to justify anything.
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I’m writing this because this is how it feels.
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Raw.
Illogical.
Real.
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I don’t hate my life because it is bad.
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But because I know
what it can feel like…
and I don’t have that anymore.
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And all I still want…
is simple.
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My place…
is in your arms.
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Psychological reflection
Mirror relationship
A mirror relationship occurs when two people deeply recognize and understand each other, often without words. The other person acts as a reflection, revealing parts of yourself that were hidden or inaccessible.
This type of connection can create the feeling of being understood for the first time—not only in who you are, but also in why you are that way. This explains why such a connection can feel unique and difficult to replace.
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Betrayal trauma
Betrayal trauma occurs when trust is deeply broken within an important relationship. It affects not only emotions, but also the sense of safety.
Even when someone rationally understands what would be “right” or “healthy,” the body and emotions may remain stuck, making it difficult to let go or trust again.
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Withdrawal as a protective mechanism
After repeated experiences of pain or betrayal, the system may shift into protection. Emotional and social withdrawal is a natural response aimed at preventing further harm.
While this may create short-term safety, it can also make it harder to reconnect, creating an internal tension between the desire for closeness and the need for protection.
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Spiritual reflection
Spiritual connection
In some spiritual perspectives, a deep connection between two people is described as a meeting of souls or an inner mirror, where each reflects something within the other.
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Christianity
Within Christianity, truth is revealed through actions. What someone says or feels gains meaning through what they actually do.
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Buddhism
Buddhism teaches that attachment can be a source of suffering. Awareness allows someone to recognize what is felt, without necessarily holding on to it.